94 years of wisdom | Nerd Fitness

Last week I flew to Massachusetts to visit my 94-year-old grandmother in the hospital.

Let me tell you about this amazing woman.

Barbara, Auntie B, or Grandma to us grandkids, was born in 1930 to the first generation of Newfoundlanders.

(No wonder I love music ​Alan Doyle​ (i ​The great great sea​), it’s in my DNA!)

Grandma was a preschool teacher for 22 years and was an active member of her community her entire life. She was one hell of a quilter and helped start multiple quilting initiatives over the years. She volunteered at the Council on Aging. She also often drove for Meals on Wheels, “delivering meals to the elderly” (as she called it), which she did well into her 80s!

On past visits to Massachusetts, I’d stop by Grandma’s one afternoon, regularly checking my phone, often distracted by some trivial business occupying my brain. I think I’ve known her all my life, she just came to mind “grandma has always been here and grandma will always be here”.

Fortunately, I came across an ancient Japanese concept that helped me recognize and correct this pattern. This has made all my recent visits to Gramma very different.

Ichi-go Ichi-e A once-in-a-lifetime chance

There is a concept that dates back to Japanese tea ceremonies in the 1600s called ichi-go ichi-e:

This translates to: “one time, one meeting”.

It is a reminder for us to treasure and embrace each unique moment in time. No matter how often we do something or see someone, that’s it only the time when it will actually happen this way in this moment.

This concept can remind us to be more present.

• Instead of checking our phones, we can focus on the person or task in front of us.
• Instead of worrying about tomorrow or hanging out, we can be here now.
• Instead of going through the motions, we can be a little more deliberate in our behavior.

I’ve been thinking a lot about Japanese Zen philosophy over the past few years (​see my essay on Wabi-Sabi​), and this concept of ichi-go ichi-e stuck with me.

Which brings me to my travels to visit Gramma this summer.

I stopped worrying about the future or thinking about the past, I put the phone down and just sat with her.

I treated each visit as if it were only the time I would have that interaction.

I asked her questions about her childhood. I learned that she spent several summers living in a tent without running water or electricity while her father built their home with his own hands. And how much she I liked him.

She told me about her teenage years, including the time she sneaked out of the house and got caught and had to sit at the foot of her parents’ bed until the sun came up.

I learned more about my grandfather. She even shared never-before-seen photos of her wedding:

She also found some old photos of me and her!

This one was my favorite:

I moved back to Nashville last month, not sure when (or if) I’ll see her again.

He still felt different. I connected with my grandmother more deeply in a few visits than I probably had in the past 10 years together.

Which brings me to last week in the hospital.

Gramma’s Community

Last week, my brother and I drove every day to visit my grandmother in the hospital.

And every day a revolving door of guests would appear to check on her:

Her nieces and nephews. My uncle and father. My sister and mother (who just had surgery!). Her grandchildren. Her best friend’s son. Her friend Anne. Friends of the Council on Aging. Fellow quilters. People from her church.

At one point there were 10 of us at the same time and it turned into absolute fun.

I was in awe of this woman and how many lives she impacted.

If there’s one clear sign of a life well lived, it’s that you’re surrounded by people who love you. Grandma was selfless for so much of her life, and I was amazed and inspired by how many people gave up everything to come and spend time with her, sharing stories and keeping her company.

Despite the circumstances, she still has a great sense of humor:

The first time she opened her eyes and saw me, she smiled and said, “I remembered another story!” to track down her boyfriend.

While on the phone with her 94-year-old brother-in-law, she asked, “How are you, you old bugger?”

When the doctor asked “are you feeling better today?” she replied “better than WHAT!”

Spending time with Grandma and all the people from different parts of her life seemed like the best possible use of time. I’m in love with the community she has around her, and I’m constantly moved to tears by the love so many people have for her.

This point was driven further by my grandmother’s hospital “neighbor”…

Live Deliberately

The hospital where my grandmother is located is right next to Walden Pond, the very lake that Henry David Thoreau made famous in his book ​Walden​.

One day, after visiting Gramma, I walked quietly around its perimeter, watching the light of the setting sun dance through the trees.

(The Japanese have a word for this too, it’s called “komorebi”.)

Then I read the sign with Thoreau’s most famous reflection:

“I went into the forest because I wanted to live thoughtfully, to face only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach me, and not, when I came to die, find that I had not lived.”

Thoreau retreated into solitude to discover what was most important to him.

Grandma went in a different direction, prioritizing what was most important to her: family, friends and community.

Two different scenarios, same end result:

By choosing to live intentionally.

I have no plans to move to the woods and live simply, but I think I’ve done my best to live more thoughtfully these past few years.

Specifically, re-prioritizing what is most important to me: friends, family and community.

All we have to decide…

A few years ago, my grandmother gave my brother, sister, and me three of her favorite handmade quilts.

“I wanted to give these to you grandchildren after I passed away, but I want to give them to you now so we can enjoy this moment together.”

She took the time to explain the meaning of each quilt and why they were chosen for each of us. I am so thankful that she did this instead of waiting to hear about these beautiful quilts after she died.

When I visited my grandmother this summer, I discovered that she had printed out my essay ​about my grandfather, her husband, who passed away​. I hoped I had made Grampy proud, but I realized I never told him how much I learned from him before he died.

For this reason, I am writing this essay now to make sure she knows how much she has taught me. I am so proud of my grandmother and grateful to have had the opportunity to learn from her for 40 years (and counting!).

(I got a text from my dad yesterday saying he read this draft to her at the hospital and she loved it. Mission accomplished!)

I certainly hope that Grandma gets better and can come home. After all, she told her friend Laurie “I’m not done yet!”

But I also know that it is not for us to decide.

As Gandalf tells Frodo The Ring Family:

“All we have to decide is what to do with the time we’ve been given.”

I hope my grandmother and Thoreau can inspire you to live more thoughtfully:

• If you’re willing to put down the phone and be present with the people in front of you, life can be much richer.
• If you’re willing to prioritize what’s really important instead of things trying to steal your attention, you’ll never go wrong with the choices you make.
• If you can find a way to focus on the important people in your lifethey’ll still be a part of it when you’re 94.

And finally remember, whatever you do today, this is the only time this a moment will happen.

Act accordingly.

-Steve

PS: If you want a thought-provoking film about the presence and Ichi-Go Ichi-E, I highly recommend the Wim Wenders film ​Perfect days​.