What parents should do before giving their children a smartphone

The longer you wait to give your child a smartphone or let him join social media, the happier and more successful he is likely to be as an adult, says psychologist Jean Twenge.

To help parents ease this technology delay, Twenge recommends starting to teach kids how to use these technologies in safe and healthy ways at least six years in advance. Getting started early helps children prepare to have healthier relationships with online technology, supporting their development into well-adjusted, successful adults, she says.

“Ideally, it’s great to keep these rules in mind by the time your kids are in elementary school, say, so you’re prepared. Because kids are getting these devices younger and younger,” says Twenge, a psychology professor at San Diego State University whose latest book, “10 rules for raising children in a high-tech world”, published on September 2.

In her book, Twenge recommended that social media should be kept out of children’s hands until the age of 16 and wrote that children should not have a smartphone unless they have a driver’s license and are expected to “move independently”. Her rationale: These technologies contribute to higher levels of mental health problems in teenagerssuch as anxiety and depression, she writes.

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These statements made headlines, especially because many parents in the US give their children access to smartphones and social media much earlier. In one a recent survey by the Pew Research Centermore than half of US parents said their children between the ages of 11 and 12 now have their own smartphones.

If you talk to your kids about how to use Internet technology responsibly before they’re 10 or younger, if they’re already regularly using Internet-connected devices like laptops, you can help them understand and internalize the potential downsides of excessive smartphone and social media use, she says.

For example, you can discuss the types of personal information you shouldn’t share with anyone online, from nude photos to personal information like your home address or Social Security number. You could talk about the value of privacy — reminding your kids to never assume that a text or Snapchat message will remain private, and not to post information or opinions online that they wouldn’t feel comfortable announcing over the loud speaker at their school.

Twenge also advises teaching kids that “your time is a valuable resource” and that they may eventually regret spending much of their youth engrossed in a device instead of engaging in person with friends and family, she says.

The idea is to hopefully set them up to have a healthier relationship with these technologies as they age, Twenge says. But these conversations alone won’t guarantee success, she says — because you have to do something else, too.

One of the rules in Twenge’s book prohibits smartphones during the school day and overnight stay in children’s bedrooms. Another of her rules states that if parents want to give their child a device, their first phone must be a “primary” — a phone that isn’t connected to the Internet but allows them to make calls and send texts to friends and family.

You can also use parental controls to guide children’s initial experience with smartphones, such as setting daily usage time limits to make sure kids aren’t absorbed by social media for hours on end, or blocking adult-themed websites and apps.

“Teach them that moderation is key—and then put parental controls in place to make sure you don’t lose your breath,” Twenge writes.

Whatever you do, communicate your rules directly to your kids, she says.

“We’re going to have that conversation (and) be very clear about what controls we’re putting on that phone,” Twenge says. “Even when she gets that smartphone, (for example) we’re going to block app downloads, so then if she wants to put additional apps on it, that’s a discussion instead of her just doing it unilaterally, where we don’t even know what’s on it.”

If your kids already have smartphones or social media and you’re starting to regret that decision, don’t think it’s ever too late to undo those choices, notes Twenge. Just be honest and transparent about why they’re making that decision, she says: “Look, I made a mistake. I’ve learned more and we’re going to do it differently going forward…”

Even if your teen’s initial reaction is extreme—”You might get some doors slammed,” she notes—stay firm and try to put everything into perspective, she suggests. “Tell them, ‘Hey, you’re still going to be able to text your friends. You’re still going to be able to call me. It’s either that or no fun at all.’ It helps put it in context.”

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